Accidental Insightfulness

A while back I found myself lacking in reading material. And as reading is an activity that fills many of my sleepless nights, I went to a bookstore’s online site and searched for random (cheap) interesting looking titles. I ended up with about 6 or 7 books. I picked up the longest book first, made it through about 15 pages and decided to start with the others. I flew threw the others – nothing impacted me or was anything other than a momentary escape from reality.

I eventually went back to the first book and continued reading. By the end I had deemed it to be in at least the top 5 best books I’ve ever read. Not what I expected when I bought it, but I will definitely buy anything this author writes again.

Elliot Perlman – The Seven Types of Ambiguity

It is well written, well organized, hard to read at times – but only because you have to actually think about what you’re reading. And despite popular opinion, there really isn’t anything wrong with having to put a little thought into a book. The author may write in language that we don’t often use in everyday conversations – and some reviews I’ve read chastise him for this. I personally found it more interesting and intriguing because of the expanded vocabulary.

Perlman did his research – he references literary history with careful accuracy. There are quotes from this book that stick with me – and it’s not often that I stop and read the same paragraph more than once. I imagine it’s a love it or hate it book – there’s not likely to be many people in the gray. Give it a shot if you’re up for something out of the ordinary – let me know what you think.

~~Random Quotes~~

“The decision to fail is often made in the pursuit of attention”

“Anybody who doesn’t want or need something is dead. And anyone who needs something can be hurt”

“Once can correlate the amount of time a child spends on the school premises after the final bell has rung for the day with the degree of domestic dislocation to which the child is subjected”

“…an expatriate in the state of denial.”

“To not be alone somebody has to connect with you and you have to connect with them… somebody has to make the emotional and intellectual effort to come with you as you ride the relentless waves of fear and hope, of pain and pleasure, of doubt and certainty, that inhabit the sea of human experience”

“The pleasure lives there when the sense has died”

“People tend to assume that there is a dichotomy between emotion and intellect. In Fact, it’s really more of a continuum with emotion and one end and intellect at the other”

Maturity vs. Instinct – Putting Others Before Yourself

Parenting is hard.

It is the most rewarding, time consuming, complicated, emotionally draining, meaningful, spiritual journey any person could possibly embark on in a lifetime. Regardless of everything an individual may have thought in their younger years – everything changes the moment you become a parent.

You learn the definition of selfless: you forget to sleep while watching the amazement a child brings to your life. You give things up to make sure this child has everything they’ve ever wanted or needed. You get sick more often because there is no way you can not hold your child while he’s miserable, ill, contagious. And then while you’re sick – you feel guilty because you can’t do the things you usually can with your child. You forsake all others to make sure you do whatever is necessary to give your kid the happiest childhood possible, the best preparation for adulthood possible.

You feel pain on a level you never knew existed: when your child hurts. Every scrape, bruise, break pains you deeper than they yet know how to feel. When they come home from school feeling left out or made fun of or broken up with – you want nothing more than to take the pain away but you stay back – they need to have their own tools to deal with life.

You see God on a daily basis: everytime you look at this miracle – while they sleep, while they play – even when they’re crying and throwing tantrums. This is why God created you – your reason for being here in this moment – to give this child everything he needs to succeed in the world.

This is how parenting is intended to be. It is a full time job, with mandatory overtime and no monetary return. It is the one job you would die for. Unfortunately, there are parents who don’t grasp this.

There are parents who use a child as a weapon. For the good of the parent instead of the child. They use their child’s pain as a method of seeking attention for themselves. They use the title of “parent” as their entrance into circles – as a title of respect they haven’t earned. They parent when it’s convenient for them, when their child doesn’t interfere with their plans, their life – their social structure. These are the people who will miss out on the one opportunity in their lifetime to be part of something bigger than themselves. To feel unconditional love, to love something more than themselves. At the end of the road, they’ll look back and feel empty – wonder what they did wrong, and more than likely – feel sorry for themselves.

Your Parents are Gay? Call Child Welfare!

I’ve already established that an unfortunate number of people in the society are all too vocal in telling the homosexual community that they CANNOT be Christians. So on a similar line of reasoning, I imagine a comparable percentage would attempt to tell me I CANNOT be a parent.  Their reasoning may not fall under the same “divine scripture” from thousands of years ago category, but I’m sure it is similarly lacking logic and research oriented proof.

Feel free to throw your arguments at me, because I am living proof on a daily basis that homosexuals can be just as good of parents as their heterosexual counterparts. And despite all accusations thrown out there, it is just untrue that homosexual parents somehow raise children who are gender confused or angry or more likely to be gay. Reserach has consistently proven this to be just wrong.

In reality, a parent is a parent – gay or straight. Parenting will have the same trials and tribulations regardless of the sexual orientation of the parent or for that matter, the child. There will continue to be children of homosexuals and children of heterosexuals that have emotional problems, behavior problems, learning problems – social problems. Attempting to blame any problems such as these on a parent’s homosexuality is merely another societal attempt at blaming and excusing. The fact is – a bad parent is a bad parent, and they exist as both homosexuals and heterosexuals.

The fact of the matter is a homosexual parent is MORE likely to raise a tolerant, open-minded, free-thinking child. And a homosexual parent is LESS likely to pass on the traits of prejudice and hatred. Believe me, the world is already full of hatred, so a few more tolerant problem solvers will definitely help future generations.

We Should Follow The Examples Set By Children

I’ve often pondered what I will say when I eventually have to explain the world’s hatred of homosexuality to my children – and I still have no answer. Do my children know I’m gay? Yes and no.

My children know I’m happy. They are innocent enough to not realize that the world has all too much to say about who I’m happy with. Because they haven’t been raised with the preconceived notions that people different than them are wrong, they don’t have the necessity to judge people. And yes, they have been raised in the church. They understand sin. They understand that we all sin. They also understand that a good person is defined by the actions they take, their daily interactions with the world, not by a societal standard of who one should be with.

In the sense of the word “gay,” they do not necessarily define me as so. I do not use the word gay to describe myself to them and I do not throw my homosexuality in their face. They see that I am very happy and loyal and committed to somebody who just happens to be the same gender I am. They will grow up in a house full of love and respect and nurturing – and that is the bottom line.

Probably one of the most despised masterminds of modern industry

Sounds drastic, but I mean it quite simply and any parent can understand where I’m coming from.

Nolan Bushnell – I admit, as the founder of Atari, he would be up for a Nobel prize in my world some days (I have a bit of a video game affinity- hand eye coordination,  alter-reality is a great way to escape after a hard day) And from a corporate perspective – the man was genius and started a video game system revolution with a mere $500.

And believe me, my problem wasn’t with him starting the video game generation – it was his next move that most parents cringe at – He sold Atari (making an incredible amount of money) and had the audacity to open the first ShowBiz.

And through a bunch of business mumbo jumbo and mergers and friendships and drama and blah blah blah, the now oh-so-popular Chuck E. Cheese chains were born, and parents everywhere cried.

Luckily in the process of all of this business, the step was taken to attempt to maintain the sanity of parents in this establishment – they obtained a liquor license.

Yes, I just returned from Chuck E. land. Really, it wasn’t as bad as I’m making it sound and in all reality, it is an ingenious chain that is very well marketed. Heck, they even joined the new age paranoid revolution requiring all kids and parents to have matching black light numbers on the way in and out. It was asking a lot for parents to watch their own kids (that’s a different topic all together). And hey, if my kids can play mindless electronic video games – earn worthless tickets to clutter my house with even more worthless prizes – and be happy – I guess it’s worth it.

Prevalence of Victims of Sexual Abuse in Homosexual Population

I am sure there is research somewhere, or some deep psychological explanation with reasoning. But it seems to me that a large majority of the gay people I know have at some time in their life been victims of some sort of sexual assault, abuse, molestation or exploitation.

I imagine the critics of homosexuality as a genetic alteration would be quick to use this as a reason – that is to say, “I bet they were straight until that horrible thing happened to them. Now they’re just gay because they’re scared of the opposite sex.” Let me tell you outright – this is NOT the case.

Unfortunately, I do fall into the statistical majority. However, I was well aware of my sexual orientation long before I fell victim to one of society’s misfits. So, I don’t have a fear of men – and I am gay, and I always have been.

Perhaps it’s more a reaction to society’s condemnation of homosexuals. Because we live in a society that attempts to make us feel ashamed of ourselves, we begin to discredit ourselves as people. And perhaps in this process, a homosexual is more likely to fall victim to a sex crime – either because their self loathing and low self esteem makes them an easier and more vulnerable target or because their own devaluation of themselves causes a person to be more likely to put themselves in a dangerous situation – or to end up with people who don’t respect them.

I’m not sure why, and it’s sad that it is this way. However, I do not know a single person who “became” gay because they feared the opposite sex.

Gender Identity in the Children of Homosexuals

To throw a loop in the arguments surrounding gender identity, nature vs. nurture, genetics vs. choice – what is the impact of having a gay parent on a child’s gender identity? And of course, being a lesbian mother to three kids – I have some insight, but no answers.

My two year old son loves shoes. He plays with dolls with his big sisters. He wants his nails painted everytime the girls do theirs. Do I think he’s going to be gay? Not necessarily. Do I care if he is? Nope. Of course, being the insecure and somewhat simple minded person that he is – my ex is very critical of a boy doing anything society has deemed to be “girly.”

Simply stated, do I think my acceptance of my son’s very innocent liking of shoes and dolls and fingernail polish with have any effect whatsoever on his gender identity or eventual sexual preferences? Not at all. I think the biggest effect that a person can have on such things is always in the negative realm. I do think that my ex’s negative reaction to any such behavior could have a very detrimental effect on both my son and my daughters. A child should never be ashamed of themselves and a parent should never make a child feel that way.

Jimmy Buffet’s “Simply Complicated”

The Courage to be Vulnerable

For the majority of my life I’ve always thought that my innate “numbness” was a type of stoic and admirable quality. Little did I know that I was really hurting no one but myself. Granted, that type of behavior kept me from ever being really and truly hurt – but it also prevented me from experiencing the aspects of life that make it worth living.

“Anybody who doesn’t want or need something is dead, and anyone who needs something can be hurt…” (From Elliot Perlman’s Seven Types of Ambiguity)

Without putting yourself out there, being willing to feel pain in imeasurable amounts – you can never truly love or be loved. And despite all philisophical statements of inner knowledge and self contentment, it’s hard to be truly happy until you’ve torn down the walls and allowed yourself to be completely taken over.

It’s Not 1984 Yet (but we’re getting closer every day)

I have traditionally not been one of those typical government hating, pro anarchy activists. I still believe government has it’s place, but I do think it has started to overstep it’s boundaries on a regular basis. And not only government, but large corporations as well.

A friend of mine works for a large corporation. Recently, she received a notice in the mail to fill out an online survey regarding her health care habits. For filling out the survey, her per pay period deduction for health insurance would be 50% less than if she failed to complete the survey. To begin with, an unethical method of getting a survey completed.

To make matters worse, the survey required the user to log in to complete – so anonymity is out the door. The questions were invasive, personal and entirely inappropriate. Definitely nothing I would want my employer to ask, heck – some of them I wouldn’t want my doctor to ask. They covered everything from sexual habits, to drug use, to alcohol and sleep. They asked questions typically addressed by the psychiatric community – regarding feelings of sadness, insomnia, eating habits, compulsions.  I was offended for her and I had nothing to do with the survey.

There is a place for such health assessments and it should not be one’s place of employment. And while the survey may not have been “mandated,” they surely made it hard to refuse. Hopefully she and everyone else who filled it out falsified the information enough to throw their results so far off they would be unable to use them.

Big Brother would be proud and George Orwell would give a snide “I told you so.”

Gay Christian – Not a Paradox

Homosexual Christian? Religious zealots, some church officials and a portion of society seem to think that such a combination of words would be a paradox, blasphemy, an enigma. On a simple, first line of defense level – the fact that any self-proclaimed example of faith would condemn a homosexual only shows the person as a hypocrite by their own definition. The Bible is a widely available and well known publication. It does not take a religious fanatic to read or interpret any part of it. The very basis of many Christian teachings lies in not passing judgment on others. By condemning a homosexual, even the most righteous person of faith not only discredits themselves, but Christianity as a whole.

I have nothing but respect for a person who lives their life according to their faith. Faith is hard to attain, hard to maintain, and too easily broken. Perhaps if the members of the religious community who spend so much time, effort and anger on the condemnation of homosexuals instead lived their lives according to the teachings in the Bible – their evangelical missions would be more effective. Live your life as you believe is morally right, as your faith guides you. Exhibit the Christian qualities that Jesus would have encouraged. Bring people to your faith with love, understanding and acceptance.

The wonderful thing about the Bible is it is an exceptional source of learning and moral guidance. There are parables and verses that can be applied to a multitude of situation. This is what makes the Bible an effective moral compass even in the modern day and age. But it must be used with caution – five different people could read the exact same thing and interpret it in ten different ways. Each of us brings our own life experience and background – and we can all use the Bible to guide us, but that doesn’t mean what you interpret will be the same interpretation I get out of something.

And of course, there will be the hard core, holier than thou types who want to argue a literal interpretation of the Bible. To these people, I can only point out that if you are going to assert a literal interpretation of scriptures condemning a homosexual for being “with a male as with a woman,” then I hope your parents (or your wife’s parents) are able to produce the bloody sheets from your first night as husband and wife – as a proof of your virginity. And if not, hopefully you’re prepared for the stoning that – according to the scripture – will follow. (Deuteronomy 22)

Morals and ethics will continue to have commonalities from history through the coming eras. Using scriptures as a moral compass could help guide the next generations through changing times. However, using the scriptures to justify your hatred, fear and prejudice will destroy the sanctity of the writings. The world is changing on a daily basis. The standard and accepted structure of a family unit is evolving. The moral guidance behind what a family is need not be left behind; however, the hatred and condemnations thrown about by individuals in the name of religion will lead to the demise of the Christian community.

See also: http://ryantravis.wordpress.com/2008/08/12/homosexual-gift/