Coming out? This seems to be a widely accepted rite of passage in the gay community. I imagine there was a time, not so long ago, when I wasn’t so “out,” but if you has asked anyone around me, I was out before I came out.
Here’s the shocker in it all – for both sides of the gay line – I was married, with multiple children. (Yes, I still have my kids – as contrary to popular belief, being gay is not an automatic disqualification to parenting) I’ve often tried to answer the question of why I got married in the first place, and the problem is I don’t really have a definitive answer. Did I know I was gay when I got married – yes. I knew I was gay in first grade – I just didn’t have the vocabulary to define it. Did my ex know I was gay? Yes, but I was not cheating. I was gay – because that’s what I am – not because I was actively involved in a homosexual relationship. Again, despite societal misconceptions, gay does not define a person’s sex life – it defines the person. This was the hardest thing for my ex to understand in the end. He was all too willing for me to have my “gay flings” on the side, without acknowledging that it wasn’t the sexual aspect of relationships I was lacking and searching for – it was so much more.
It didn’t just occur to me one day that it was time to be “out.” And my so-called marriage was nothing more than a childhood mistake (on my part, my ex was 12 years older than me – and I was his second mistake). The “coming out” stage of my life took a lot of working up to an a hanful of necessary events to set it in motion. And despite all the trauma and hardship and pain it caused me for the year following – I wouldn’t change it for the world. I didn’t know happy until the moment I admitted what I’d been hiding. Regardless of how miserable I was in the moment, I knew my life was happier as a whole than it had ever been.
There was no schocked reaction, no condemnation, no crying and begging like there often is. Everyone around me knew me as a person – not gay or straight, but as me. And while my confession may have explained a lot to my friends and family and co-workers, it neither shocked nor horrified anyone.
There were hard times, there still are. Perhaps I went about life in a less than normal method – my timeline got a little jumbled, but I’ve landed. And I wouldn’t change my process of getting here for anything. I’m happy – and there’s nothing wrong with being happy. Even if it’s only for the moment, and you know the next moment is going to bring you to your knees – it’s okay to be happy in the here and now.