Maturity vs. Instinct – Putting Others Before Yourself

Parenting is hard.

It is the most rewarding, time consuming, complicated, emotionally draining, meaningful, spiritual journey any person could possibly embark on in a lifetime. Regardless of everything an individual may have thought in their younger years – everything changes the moment you become a parent.

You learn the definition of selfless: you forget to sleep while watching the amazement a child brings to your life. You give things up to make sure this child has everything they’ve ever wanted or needed. You get sick more often because there is no way you can not hold your child while he’s miserable, ill, contagious. And then while you’re sick – you feel guilty because you can’t do the things you usually can with your child. You forsake all others to make sure you do whatever is necessary to give your kid the happiest childhood possible, the best preparation for adulthood possible.

You feel pain on a level you never knew existed: when your child hurts. Every scrape, bruise, break pains you deeper than they yet know how to feel. When they come home from school feeling left out or made fun of or broken up with – you want nothing more than to take the pain away but you stay back – they need to have their own tools to deal with life.

You see God on a daily basis: everytime you look at this miracle – while they sleep, while they play – even when they’re crying and throwing tantrums. This is why God created you – your reason for being here in this moment – to give this child everything he needs to succeed in the world.

This is how parenting is intended to be. It is a full time job, with mandatory overtime and no monetary return. It is the one job you would die for. Unfortunately, there are parents who don’t grasp this.

There are parents who use a child as a weapon. For the good of the parent instead of the child. They use their child’s pain as a method of seeking attention for themselves. They use the title of “parent” as their entrance into circles – as a title of respect they haven’t earned. They parent when it’s convenient for them, when their child doesn’t interfere with their plans, their life – their social structure. These are the people who will miss out on the one opportunity in their lifetime to be part of something bigger than themselves. To feel unconditional love, to love something more than themselves. At the end of the road, they’ll look back and feel empty – wonder what they did wrong, and more than likely – feel sorry for themselves.

The Courage to be Vulnerable

For the majority of my life I’ve always thought that my innate “numbness” was a type of stoic and admirable quality. Little did I know that I was really hurting no one but myself. Granted, that type of behavior kept me from ever being really and truly hurt – but it also prevented me from experiencing the aspects of life that make it worth living.

“Anybody who doesn’t want or need something is dead, and anyone who needs something can be hurt…” (From Elliot Perlman’s Seven Types of Ambiguity)

Without putting yourself out there, being willing to feel pain in imeasurable amounts – you can never truly love or be loved. And despite all philisophical statements of inner knowledge and self contentment, it’s hard to be truly happy until you’ve torn down the walls and allowed yourself to be completely taken over.

Coming Out (Out of What, I’m Unsure)

Coming out? This seems to be a widely accepted rite of passage in the gay community. I imagine there was a time, not so long ago, when I wasn’t so “out,” but if you has asked anyone around me, I was out before I came out.

Here’s the shocker in it all – for both sides of the gay line – I was married, with multiple children. (Yes, I still have my kids – as contrary to popular belief, being gay is not an automatic disqualification to parenting) I’ve often tried to answer the question of why I got married in the first place, and the problem is I don’t really have a definitive answer. Did I know I was gay when I got married – yes. I knew I was gay in first grade – I just didn’t have the vocabulary to define it. Did my ex know I was gay? Yes, but I was not cheating. I was gay – because that’s what I am – not because I was actively involved in a homosexual relationship. Again, despite societal misconceptions, gay does not define a person’s sex life – it defines the person.  This was the hardest thing for my ex to understand in the end. He was all too willing for me to have my “gay flings” on the side, without acknowledging that it wasn’t the sexual aspect of relationships I was lacking and searching for – it was so much more.

It didn’t just occur to me one day that it was time to be “out.” And my so-called marriage was nothing more than a childhood mistake (on my part, my ex was 12 years older than me – and I was his second mistake). The “coming out” stage of my life took a lot of working up to an a hanful of necessary events to set it in motion. And despite all the trauma and hardship and pain it caused me for the year following – I wouldn’t change it for the world. I didn’t know happy until the moment I admitted what I’d been hiding. Regardless of how miserable I was in the moment, I knew my life was happier as a whole than it had ever been.

There was no schocked reaction, no condemnation, no crying and begging like there often is. Everyone around me knew me as a person – not gay or straight, but as me. And while my confession may have explained a lot to my friends and family and co-workers, it neither shocked nor horrified anyone.

There were hard times, there still are. Perhaps I went about life in a less than normal method – my timeline got a little jumbled, but I’ve landed. And I wouldn’t change my process of getting here for anything. I’m happy – and there’s nothing wrong with being happy. Even if it’s only for the moment, and you know the next moment is going to bring you to your knees – it’s okay to be happy in the here and now.

Evolutionary Basis of Homosexuality?

Society as we know it seems constantly involved in a debate on homosexuality. The cause, the cure, who’s to blame, the morality, the ethics – all debates that when you really look at it, you have a hard time understanding why so much time, emotion and energy is wasted on such a topic. Nature vs. nurture? Is it a choice? Can it be genetically explained? Is there a genetic predisposition, as in say – alcoholism? Does it matter?

The religious community presents another arena for over speculation. What does the Bible say? What does the Pope, your minister, the nuns, your grandmother say? What are the moral implications of homosexual behavior? Gay marriage? Kids growing up with gay parents? Why any of this matters to everyone, I’m not sure – and I’m not here to speculate.

I’m also not going to argue the everlasting debate of creationism vs. evolution. I personally believe the two can exist together – not independently of each other. With that – on a scientific level only, disregarding all sociological factors and established societal norms – perhaps the surge in homosexuality in recent history is a result of an evolutionary attempt to control the population. The world as we know it is quickly becoming overpopulated and the populations are causing the supply of natural resources to dwindle. Gay couples do cannot procreate in the natural sense of the process. (I am not saying gay couples should not have children, I believe we are some of the best parents). But in a gay relationship, there are no accidental pregnancies. On a statistical basis – homosexuals cause less population increase.

I do not personally need an explanation for my lifestyle. I am comfortable with who I am. I am not attempting to explain anything. However, I am prone to intellectual thought processes and these hypotheses are nothing more than a byproduct of my constant cerebral processes.

Life, Death and the whole comical process

I see death. Not like “I see dead people” in a dramatic cinematic type of way. But I see death, I know death, I encounter death head on a very frequent basis. And due to the requirements of my job I encounter death with a detached, effectively functional attitude. Granted, the deaths I encounter are never my own – I have gained a respect for life through my constant exposure to the finality of death.

Some people find it offensive when a group of people find it necessary to essentially use “comic relief” to make a situation bearable. Is death comical? Sometimes, it really is. The grieving process, the concept of no longer having your loved one, the aftermath is never comical – these are serious processes which should be treated with nothing but empathy and respect. But sometimes, the process of dying has a humor to it. Sometimes the dying person is more than aware of the humor and depending on their life and their comfort with their own finality, they may be aware of this. I hope that’s me. I hope when my time comes I can go out with a smile, a laugh. I hope my last moments on this earth can be spent giving those I love the most one last smile, a laugh, a pointed, meaningful and amusing remark or quote to remember me by. I want to go out laughing and I want those around me to forget the traditional funeral and grieving processes. I want those closest to me to go out, drink, remember embarrassing moments with me – the good times, the bad – and laugh. And of course, drink one for me.

After all, my life has thus far been a tragic comedy of sorts. Hopefully my ultimate demise can be the same.

Monogamy: physiological process, societal standard, evolutionary barrier?

I found myself engaged in a debate on the concept of monogamy. Presented to me was the suggestion that monogamy is not natural, that the societal mandated norm of “mating for life” is nothing more than a social norm created by a population of insecure and essentially “simple” people. A method of keeping the masses in line. Monogamy, being an unnatural concept, is therefore a standard which a person must actively work at to achieve, and then maintain.

I am unable to argue with those points effectively.  Physical desires and the physiological processes associated with the human body are not centered on monogamy, but on physical release and procreation. I concur that one must consistently work at maintaining a monogamous relationship. Some attain this goal easier than others, likely due to biological differences in individuals. Of course the Biblical argument comes into play and it is often a person’s faith that allows them and/or forces them to conform to the act of monogamy. Regardless of the method by which a person or persons attempts to attain a monogamous state, I fully agree that monogamy requires a conscious effort.

I do not think that asserting monogamy as unnatural qualifies it as wrong. Regardless of one’s religious, moral or ethical beliefs – there are strong arguments for the “rightness” of monogamy. Compared on a simple level – an individual who lifts weights in an attempt to gain significant muscle mass is not necessarily doing something natural. The act of tearing muscle fibers, physical pain and recovery on a consistent basis is neither natural or easy, but neither is it wrong. A concept being unnatural is not justification enough to deem it wrong. Regardless of the societal norms and implications, there is a definite moral implication to monogamy – perhaps the morals themselves have been shaped by society as a whole. Perhaps by a higher power. Perhaps by the necessity of a family unit to further the human race. Evolution, religion, government, nature, nurture – all theories with the same result.